There are two painful truths about cancer

One that you haven’t prepared enough for the final exam with Allah

Two the painful knowledge of who your real friends are. This is when you see many friends coming in curios to find out why you suddenly started wearing a hijab and upon knowing the truth show some form of superficial sympathy but never call again to check on you.

When the one person you blindly trusted with your life blindsides you you can’t help but wonder what the hell changed? Is it my loss of youthful skin, my long hair or more tangible changes to my body that made him change his mind? Is it the fear of losing me again that he has sheilded himself from me completely?

Cancer gives you a foggy chemo brain but it definitely clears the fog of the relationships that are not real.

You realize your kids will always love you no matter how horrible you think you look. They’re are probably the only ones who link with your soul.

I am trying to come to terms with this new me. The one whose gone all soft and emotional. Who keeps crying all the time, whether its listening to the Quran, looking at old selfies of younger days, watching my kids do homework or if somebody talks to me in a slightly rude way at work. People used to call me scud missile. Always ready to respond and defend. Now I find myself so powerless, at a loss for words…secretly wishing Allah to pull me out of that situation.

I want to shout at him, slap him, hold him with both my hands and ask him why he is doing this to me? Why is he taking away from me the one hope that kept me going….I’m scared that this low feeling will start feeding the cancer

Sometimes in life you find yourself in a place where nothing is looking promising. Your personal life does not seem to be progressing as you had imagined, office is nowhere near what you had expected it to be and then there is a third dimension of health on which from you are just recovering from a severe blow.

CHANGE

Live for your children they are the only ones who will be impacted by my death